Re: Socialization

["David Yeh" <ldreamr@...>]

Hi,

I have a few thoughts.

My view is that when someone asks if something they did or felt was 
okay, they are looking for one of two things: Either they are in need 
of validation and affirmation, or they are looking for a solution to 
their problem. (The stereotypical difference between the way women 
and men relate.)

If they're looking for one of those things and you provide the other, 
then chances are, they will be frustrated with you.

Of course, a lot of the time someone might *seem* to be asking for a 
solution when they are really asking for validation. The ego can be 
tricky.

At any rate, I've always found that telling someone something that 
they don't want to hear, even if (or especially if) I believe I am 
more right than they are, always backfires. I am very much against 
any kind of heavy-handed advice-giving on anyone's part. (I know you 
already said that you don't give advice unless asked, but let me rant 
here. ;) ) I myself have a tendency to want to control other people's 
feelings for various reasons (e.g. because I am uncomfortable with 
anger). This expresses itself in me doing things such as telling 
other people "better" ways to handle things, which tends to backfire 
on me and cause hurt. So right here is an area that requires soul 
mirror work, for me.

Far better, I think, to find ways to encourage the person to seek 
his/her own answers and to claim more personal power for themselves; 
and in the meantime, better yourself and offer an example -- for 
instance, by letting them see when you *are* angry, or that you felt 
angry at a certain point but then worked through it in so-and-so a 
way. Or by sitting down with them and expressing to them other 
feelings, like how you feel frustrated when they accept your lack of 
anger at face value. By having the process modeled to them instead 
of lectured at them, and handing them responsibility to pick it up 
(or not), not only is the pressure off but the relationship has 
deepened.

And in the meantime, if you are asked your opinion, you could always 
try reflecting it back to them, asking them if *they* felt like they 
were wrong for becoming angry. Staying with the feeling, and not 
with any judgments; creating a space for them to be with the feeling 
instead of immediately having to decide whether it is right or wrong.

Further, in my humble opinion, there are a lot of different levels to 
anger, and I don't believe that it is wholly negative. In fact, I 
don't believe it is negative at all. Anger simply *is.* Like all 
feelings, it is feedback. It tells you something about yourself. It 
comes from ego-identification, fear, and pain. In my experience, you 
can block off the anger, but until you come to terms with and heal 
from the originating pain, the anger will come up again. So, I 
disagree with the idea that anger is negative; in fact, particularly 
for individuals who have learned to fear the power of anger (and some 
of these people are the most physically violent individuals there 
are), it can be healthy and empowering to experience their anger. I 
believe that it is only through repressing or avoiding the anger that 
causes much violence.

Now that is not to say that I support all *expressions* of anger. 
Here I think I have learned a great deal from the first mental 
exercise, observing without interfering. When I observe my own 
anger, it feels so incredibly painful, like being seared with hot 
flame, that I want to direct it somewhere. I want to control it and 
do *something* with it, so that it doesn't hurt as much. So this is 
when I tend to want to actually *avoid* the intensity of my anger and 
take it out on someone or something -- by yelling or attacking or 
being violent. True courage is to feel that pain and penetrate into 
it, into the fear and pain and death that threatens.

So in this sense it *can be* ineffective to express anger -- 
depending on the context and the intent.

I think true choice can only occur if you are free from all of that 
underlying stuff. Otherwise you are simply "choosing" not to express 
symptomatic anger. Indeed, I have found that by expressing my anger 
(in a safe environment) I come to greater insight and self-knowledge 
and subsequently am able to handle my anger better. It is a more 
indirect but more effective route in the long-term, in my opinion.

All of this being said ... It's also important to recognize lack of 
differentiation in your relationships. If people are asking you to 
behave in ways that are contrary to who you are, and they take it 
personally when you don't, then that is their responsibility. Firm, 
healthy boundaries should be maintained. But of course that is up to 
you to perceive and figure out.

And by the way, I think relationships are a fantastic medium in which 
to pursue character transformation. Deep-rooted issues such as anger 
and its many heads just come up so much more quickly. How come it's 
not mentioned as one of the paths to enlightenment? :)

I know I rambled a lot, but this is a topic that I feel a lot about. 
Hope something in there helps.


David