Re: Doubts about the path

["David Yeh" <ldreamr@...>]

Hello,

Louis wrote:
> Unfortunatly, Bardon is VERY barebones. Vacancy of mind is written 
> in only a few pages for IIH but Buddhism has attacked it quite a 
bit 
> more.
> 
> Quite Honestly, IIH is correct without much in the way of trying to 
> back up what it is saying. All it is, is "do this and do this" no 
> questions asked and so on. Buddhism has gone so far into the 
> philosophy to mention "do this because of these reasons" with far 
> exceeding explanations.

I think this is what I meant when I said that IIH seemed bare-bones. 
I notice that Rawn disagreed with this; if he would, I'd like to hear 
his response to this.

I understand that it is more often the student's interpretation 
rather than the strength of the teaching that is in error. Maybe 
that is what has caused me to doubt. As I've said, I'm used to 
external guidance. There are a lot of people teaching a lot of 
things out there, and some of them seem to know something. To 
encounter a few paragraphs in IIH saying that one should make the 
mind vacant, and then to encounter reams of material about the clear 
light or mindfulness in Buddhist literature, made me compare the two 
and led me to wonder, why so much talk in one but not the other?

To my beginner's eyes it doesn't seem that Bardon did much in the way 
of emphasizing any particular thing, the way some Buddhists meditate 
many hours a day or qigong masters work on their qi. And that lack 
of emphasis is perhaps what overwhelms me. No one is telling me what 
*I* need to work on most. To look at dealing with all of it at once 
is a lot to handle. I believe that my ego considered three options: 
(1) collapse under the pressure, (2) bail out for a 
seemingly "better" (easier) path, or (3) deal with it. My doubts 
came up because I was afraid of #1 and felt like doing #2.

> so, my conclusion. (I think I touched on most of your questions 
> above)
...

> Dont, laugh at this, but the way that I see the answer to your 
> question is with two mental pictures.

To me it seems like BOTH are winding paths through difficult 
terrain. From afar it looks like the path I'm NOT on is straighter 
and shorter; then I get on that path, and the original path, or yet 
another path, looks even better.

But that image does help. A lot of people have been saying 
interesting things about Buddhism that have influenced my thinking -- 
in a way, actually, that has tempted me to "judge" it and therefore 
get back into the "my way is the best" trap. Which comes, again, 
from my own lack of faith/power/security in self.

Roger wrote:
<<<
(1) Your development depends upon what YOU bring to the practice - 
not the qualities or presence of a Master. Over the years I have 
known many people who have lived with a Master(s) and not gained 
anything from it. And I have known others who have had very little 
contact with a Master, but Realized the True nature of their
Being. (2) If and when you need a Master one WILL appear and it will 
not have anything to do with your seeking one. It will be given to 
you. So relax. Get out of your head!! Do something physical to get 
your self grounded. Enjoy.
>>>

and that helps. In any case I think the primary challenge of my 
practice, which is also the major thing that has shown up in my soul 
mirror, is my lack of faith in and love of myself. Resulting in many 
obstacles that obscure my clear vision into myself.


This morning I had a very interesting experience. In thinking about 
all of these things, I came to realize that my intent was being 
confused with my desire. Desire/aversion as I define it is the 
tension between the NOW and a mental object (in Buddhist terms, 
attachment). Intent is simply the will to do; an aspect of pure 
awareness. I can intend to eat something whether or not I desire 
food.

So I was asleep and dreaming, and in the dream I suddenly became 
aware of all of this in a wordless way. At that point I let go of my 
desires and became pure intent, for a tiny moment. The dream 
dissolved into a darkness that was also very bright, and I became 
filled with laughter, almost in an ecstasy.

But a heartbeat later, I started thinking about it. Then I noticed 
that someone else was with me, someone I couldn't see. I became very 
frightened even in the midst of my laughter. Then I realized that it 
was myself -- my self. But I still couldn't see it, and I was still 
afraid. And I felt very cut off and lonely.

So that is what I am left with, which is somehow, I think, my dream-
self's commentary on all of my questioning. Pure 
intent/awareness/knowledge is with me right now, if I surrender to 
it. But at the same time, I am cut off, lonely, and afraid of my own 
shadow.

I'm not sure entirely how this relates, but I guess I am recognizing 
more and more that this is an internal, soul-mirror issue.

Thanks everyone for all of the perspectives, they have really helped 
me to see things -- to see myself -- from different angles.


David