Different types of mind

["Regulus Magus" <RegulusMagus@...>]

Greetings to All!

I read (not without some envy) about the positive "addictions" of Rawn and 
Peter. I--on the other hand--live at the other end of the bell curve. I find 
the exercises of steps 1 and 2 to be enormously unpleasant. It may indeed be 
that this is simply not my path but when I reflect on my problems with the 
Bardon regimen I think the primary issue is psychological rather than 
spiritual.

By "psychological" I don't mean a dysfunction that needs to be fixed - 
rather, I am beginning to suspect that the normal and healthy operation of 
my mind is at odds with the requirements of the exercises. I have an 
extremely active and vivid inner life that gives me great pleasure. Moreover 
I seem to need this constant inner stimulation in the same way as I need to 
breathe. My powers of concentration are good (I can shut out all but extreme 
pain--for example--simply by paying close attention to my inner activity). 
Nor is my stream of consciousness particularly random. My "mental chatter" 
is full of analysis, observation, calculation (I'm a research scientist by 
trade), inference, synthesis and so on. I am the typical absent minded 
professor - I once passed my wife on the street without recognizing her 
because I was so involved with my thoughts (and didn't I get an earful about 
that!). :)

Here's what happens when I work on "one pointed" concentration or "vacancy 
of mind." The first minute or two are psychologically neutral. Then 
gradually but with increasing intensity I feel a sensation that I call 
"boredom." It's like a mental heaviness mixed with a kind of thirsting for 
sensation. At first I can dismiss it but it grows apparently without bounds 
until the intensity becomes mentally and emotionally painful. Eventually I 
reach a point at which I can't stand it for even another moment. I then 
resume my normal inner life and at that point I feel an inrush of joy and 
relief - not unlike that first drink of cool water when you're VERY thirsty.

I mean no criticism of the wisdom of Bardon, but for me Hermetic discipline 
seems a bleak and painful path.

Sincerely, /RM/

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