Re: [BardonPraxis] Another Step One question - EOM

["lux xul" <luxxul@...>]

Ok. A description and question:

In the process of IIH one, I eventually instead enter what is described 
below as EOM (?) ..

b/c I find I am observing nothing but an occasional 'sense' of a thought 
'below the surface' and I sense I am 'looking down at it'.. actually 
'feeling down at it'.. or noting its feeling 'lower' than I am 'focused'.. 
hard to describe.

B/c I may be intent on IHH step one, I expect (a sense of waiting 
invitation) 'thoughts'. I dont believe I get any for some time.

I instead sense images that I *understand/comprehend* as containing the 
question and the answer or the whole thought. I sense the complete thought 
in the feeling I receive from the expereince of the image and then i let it 
go, believing that is a "thought".

Realising that I may be incorrect (and probably are) (again a sense and not 
a *heard* formulated formal thought..

I create one (by changing the *concreteness * of the sense that prior was 
images sensed or feelings sensed flowing about... so that I may 'compare' 
the *created one* to the *experienced* one (if it was a thought) and try to 
*discern* the answer as an understanding (as a understanding 
felt/experienced and not a thought completed or seperated).... "Show me a 
thought"..

I then find *myself* observing myself (inside and outside and peripheral and 
focused within the same expereince (?)) in the past creating a 'thought' in 
daily everyday life action .. like "WHo is that?" .

I DONT UNDERSTAND or DEFINE it as a thought at the time, I simply UNDERSTAND 
that is the experience of what I seek to *comprehend*... and then I 
comprehend w/o seperation from the comprehension ( thats probably an 
illusoin).. it is an experience of comprehension/integration and being the 
question and the answer and the combination of the experience.. , not an 
observing of comprehension..

I then ask.. actually.. its not wording.. its "intending with invitation" 
"what is an idea"..

I am (my focus) then 'moved'(?) to observe/experience the experience of that 
which preceeded the thought.. I get no immediate visual .. its more like an 
experiential understanding or comprehending... I then *intend* ( I AM the 
intention). ."What is behind the idea.. what intends the idea... what is the 
soul of the idea.. what is its essence" (sum that up as the intention I am 
at the time)..

I then find my focus (not easy to describe) in an experince of no images and 
almost a sense of timelessness and disconnectedness.. like not having any 
roadmaps.. but knowing there are no roads here and intead, identity or 
intendness.. beingness-like w/o questioning it.. again.. difficult to 
explain. Its almost like resting on one spot w/o space and almost w/o a 
sense of space and a sense that there is no time.. its almost a color (i try 
to perscieve it as SOME -- THING, and cannot.. there is no THING 
'vocabulary' in this 'focus'.. instead, there is a sense of being/intending 
being at that non-spot.

Just at the proverbial 'edges' of that sense of focus is a sense or a 
expectation that there is more to this 'identity' than the focus "I am" can 
at that moment integrate as its more complete comprehension of itself (?). I 
am (the focus) the edge of *not intending*, instead, its resting. endless 
resting. like waiting w/o sound, etc. almost =without interest= in 
=not-waiting=. A sense that *all* (and unser of what all is,not really 
interested at that point) happens 'below'/'distant echo'. Like one IS and 
b/c one IS, THAT which is (elsewhere?) IS... and thats how "i" *is* at once. 
(pls try not to vomit in the absurdity of my descriptions and masonganistic 
dillusions.)

Then I dont have a question to intend (actually like having no language to 
use to formulate an intention.. i am , at that time, more inclined (?) to 
wait b/c I dont know HOW to intend (?) or what I want to intend (?).. (I 
feel foolish describing this but I wonder what Rawn has to say).

so I return to my focus in the IHH step one effort, wondering if a thought 
SOUNDS loud in the mind, and I am tempted to try again.

In the description above, I do not fall asleep. I am *physically aware* if I 
choose .. its like remembering something and drawing the intention in its 
direction that I am supposed to be doing something and I am LOOKING 
(inviting ? being drawn to?) for the essence of that DOING . .I recall my 
intent.. but it does not draw the focus elsewhere until I let it.. or let my 
focus surrender to that *already-listening-and-waiting* intent.

DOes this make any sense? Or does it simply sound like silly delusional 
belaboring? I am very aware of the distinction b/t sleep and moving int a 
lucid or normal dream. i *know* what the difference is b/t finding oneself 
experincing a dream during meditation and then returning from that 'edge' to 
the meditation and realising the dream, etc. This was not the same thing as 
I describe above. It was not accidental, but at each step aware and 
intended. Each 'step' lost a level of diversity and language .. i felt at 
one point as if I was *groping for a language to 'move' my intent* to the 
next more subtle 'curiostiy'. ALmost like trying to stimulate an organ that 
is not physical but is used to filter a 'fluid' that ones 'intent' is 
suspended in.

I risk my vain insecurity here Rawn, to request your comments. Please.. no 
flames folks. :)

G-d Bless.

:T:


> From: "Rawn Clark" <rawnclark@...>
> Reply-To: BardonPraxis@yahoogroups.com
> To: <BardonPraxis@yahoogroups.com>
> Subject: Re: [BardonPraxis] Another Step One question - EOM
> Date: Mon, 10 Nov 2003 15:28:57 -0800
>
> Dear David,
>
> >> What do I do if I am trying to practice emptiness of mind and
> hypnagogic (pre-sleep) imagery keeps coming up? They aren't entirely
> consciously controlled, more like random images that pop into my
> head, <snip>

> If this wasn't happening around your being sleepy, I'd say you were
> encountering another of the many layers one encounters with continued
> practice of the EOM.

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