Re: [BardonPraxis] Concerning an old post

[<dustovshio@...>]

> other words, damage to the violet cord specifically,
> arises when the
> experience rudely exceeds ones level of
> understanding in an
> out-of-control fashion.

What are the consequeces of the damage to the cord? 
In my mind it would seperate the mental body from the
physical somehow, and result in a lack of integration
between bodies. I did some lsd a couple years ago,
and sometimes I wonder if my mental body has mutated
out of proportion to the other bodies. I seem to get
stuck in this negate-negate mindset that I first
started using after going into a weird lsd brain loop.
However, I can't really say it was from the lsd,
because it happened to some degree with other drugs. 
It must have just become exacerbated from my natural
mental predilections. I think it could be hindering
my progress because I constantly shrink my ego by this
negating thought process when I am faced with the pain
of my self importance. For example, today I called my
girlfriend with the intention of wanting to see her
before work. My interests were basically selfish, and
after she denied me I felt quite a lot of pain from
the burnout of my romantic expectations. Then I
completely loathed my ego, and everytime an emotional
idea poppped up like how I wanted to please this girl
(out of my own self interest) I would detach from it
and see my ego like a foreign installment, or
parasite. This continued to the point where there was
a calcination in the body. I went to work in sort of
a neither state. Then I ran into a girl I dated
months prior, and I acted very loveable and charming,
but the whole time I was loathing the old ego that
used to try to be "loveable and charming", and kept it
from entering my mind. This sounds like madness, but
I only feel sane when the selfish ego is mostly gone. 
As of late, I can maintain this better without the ego
rebelling. But I'm afraid I'm losing the whole point
of elemental balance, by becoming obsessed with my
selfish ego and selfish sex instinct. When practicing
IIH mental observation it makes the tendancy to negate
the ego even stronger. It gets to the point where I
am not really identified with my body and brain at
all. This feels very liberating, because I am able to
do things and say things the way I imagine my
individual self would do them. Then my normal
selfishness is even more painful. This forces me to
shrink the ego again just in order to feel normal. 
What has happened is I have formed an inventory of
good to bad experiences based on how much of my
selfish sex instinct is present in any interaction. 
Is this a healthy pressure that forces you to change
what normally would have felt comfortable, or is it
some aberration that came from practicing A Coarse in
Miracles and doing lsd? I am at the point where I
don't even want to call my girlfriend unless my ego is
somewhat gone, because I always seem to hurt myself by
"wanting" her. "But then is this my ego that is
"wanting" to have a special technique to meet every
situation?" "s this reflective process itself
dispersive?" "When should it stop?" That's how the
internal dialog goes. On the other hand, when it is
gone I feel a non-passionate love that seems to be
much more powerful and less sticky. It even seems as
though the old sex instinct is fulfilled and
completed. Do I need to let go of this cycle, or
deepen the amount of time that can be lived in a
non-attached state? What seems to happen is I use A
Coarse in Miracles for a while, untill I get to this
point where I am going on a roller coaster of non-ego
and extreme ego states. Then I give up the coarse,
restart Bardon, and eventually get drawn back to ACIM.
I feel like I am using Bardon in order to not get off
balance in ACIM. ACIM provides a stimulation of light
by identifying only with the light. I am thinking
that it draws on the light of Tiphareth and focuses
this into the mundane actions so they are seen
differently. Will this assist with the work of
elemental equilibrium or weaken the will with the idea
that work isn't necessary to make change. Coming back
to the subject of work, this whole operation was
rooted with my predilections, became exacerbated with
the drugs, and seems to be working positively now,
except in my ability to work and study in the mudane
world! I am trying to see the whole picture, but it
is hard for me to tell how far I am off balance. My
mundane circumstances haven't really changed, except
that I am able to connect with people easilly by
applying ACIM. But this probably could have be
accomplished just the same by another practice, or
even by just trying hard in the mundane sense. 
Mentally I have advanced far, but I am now wondering
if the lsd could have caused this. I can't deny that
I am much more happy, but it may be because when
things aren't meeting my self-concept of what I should
accomplish, I don't feel any pain. My old self-concept
of who I should be in the working world was mostly
selfish, so that may be why I don't have the same
motivation I used to. Maybe it's the lsd. Mentally
it seems impossible to be motivated in the old way. 
Should I try to go back to the pleasure-pain ego
response for this stage of IIH, or just concentrate on
sublimating my sex instinct while using spiritual will
to accomplish work in the world? 

Sincerly, 
Dustin

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